Unlearning Helplessness

This was originally shared on January 17, 2022, and refreshed on February 3, 2026.

Feeling helpless can take over your life. It can make even small choices feel impossible. The good news is you can unlearn it. Change takes patience, practice, and dedication.

Learned helplessness happens when repeated experiences teach you that nothing you do matters. Both people and animals can develop this mindset. You may not even realize it has shaped your decisions.

The idea comes from a famous 1967 study by Martin Seligman and Steve Maier. Their research first brought learned helplessness into the spotlight.

A quick note: psychology research in the 1960s often neglected animal welfare. The original study reflects that reality, but it still teaches us something important.

We study this history not to dwell on mistakes. Instead, we learn from it and discover ways to reclaim agency and take back control.

History of Learned Helplessness

Seligman and Maier conducted a conditioning experiment using dogs. The ethical restrictions we have today did not exist back then. It was common for psychologists to use electricity to shock animals in experiments. Reading about this can feel uncomfortable, and it should. Understanding it helps us see why learned helplessness matters.

Seligman rang a bell and then sent a mild electrical shock through the floor of each dog’s cage. He wanted to see how the dogs would react. Even without the shock, the dogs responded as if they had been shocked.

Next, Seligman changed the setup. He put the dogs in a cage with two sections, but only one side could deliver shocks. A short wall separated the two parts. He expected the dogs to jump to the safe side when the shock came. To his surprise, they lay down where they were instead of trying to escape.

Seligman concluded that the dogs had learned there was no hope in the first part of the experiment. This discovery became the foundation of learned helplessness. By understanding this history, we can better recognize it in ourselves and take steps to reclaim control.

What this means for people

Just like the dogs in Seligman’s research, we can learn that nothing will change. We can stay stuck in a fixed mindset and never even try to improve things. Luckily, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Breaking free is possible with the right tools.

Think about the classic movie or TV relationship. A girl wants to be loved. She falls for the wrong guys over and over. Then a boy starts out just as a friend. Over time, she learns she is worth so much more than the laundry list of bad relationships. She grows, sees her value, and finally falls for someone who truly respects her.

This shift in the main character—from repeating old patterns to embracing her worth—applies to life beyond romance. In real life, this can look like noticing when you keep choosing the same unhelpful habits, thoughts, or relationships. It’s about recognizing your patterns, giving yourself grace, and slowly trying something different.

No matter what rut you’re in, you can climb out. Change is possible.

Unlearning Helplessness with Help

Sometimes, you may have to hit rock bottom before you change how you think about your rut. Even then, it is always okay to ask for help. We all want to appear strong and show a brave face, but asking for support when you need it is part of living your truth. Being honest with yourself matters more than putting on a show. Negativity can sometimes blind us to the good in life.

Seeking help from a therapist, coach, or trusted guide can be the right choice. These individuals have the training to help you move through negative self-talk and into the light of self-compassion. You don’t have to do it alone.

Remember, reaching out isn’t a weakness—it’s a tiny act of courage that ripples through your life.

Every small step toward support is a little victory, a whisper to yourself that you are worthy of care, love, and change.

You’re allowed to ask, to lean, and to grow, even when it feels vulnerable.

Taking the First Step to Unlearning Helplessness

To start your journey back to a healthier outlook, it helps to understand how your brain works. Just like the dogs in Seligman’s study, over time your brain can start expecting certain outcomes. Our perceptions are shaped by our experiences.

For example, trusting others can be challenging if you have experienced abuse or neglect. When people closest to you repeatedly treat you as if you don’t matter, it’s natural to internalize those messages and begin to believe them.

Talking about these experiences is difficult, but it is also essential for healing and for changing how the world understands them. We have made progress in how society recognizes and addresses abuse, and each conversation brings more awareness and understanding.

Even small steps toward safety, self-care, or seeking support can help your brain begin to form new patterns. Over time, you can start to notice your worth, trust your instincts, and build relationships and habits that reinforce your growth. Change is possible, and hope is always within reach.

Changing the world one advocate at a time

About four years ago, I worked closely with families and children who experienced abuse. As a therapist, I was a mandated reporter, helping ensure their safety. In just a few years, I filed countless DHR reports. I spent countless hours hoping these children would find loving homes. Even now, I carry these experiences with me and continue to hope for their healing.

Advocacy is simply looking out for the people around you. It means speaking up for those who have no voice. Protecting someone’s safety is more important than avoiding drama or ruffling feathers.

If no one spoke up for their beliefs, we wouldn’t have many of the rights we take for granted today. Women would still have far fewer rights. Racial disparity would be far worse. Children’s safety has improved tremendously over the past few hundred years.

In 1654, some states allowed parents to punish disobedient children with death. Massachusetts’ Stubborn Children Law wasn’t repealed until 1973. That’s only 50 years ago—a reminder of how much progress advocacy can create.

Every time someone speaks up or acts with integrity, they shift the world, one small step at a time.

Each act of advocacy ripples outward, protecting those who can’t yet protect themselves.

Every voice matters, and every effort builds a safer, more compassionate world.

STEP TWO for Unlearning Helplessness

After speaking up or admitting there is a problem you need to change, it’s time to take action. Repeat positive phrases to yourself until they become second nature. When self-defeating thoughts creep in, notice them and consciously change them.

For example, when I feel like a bad mom and start doubting how I’m parenting my two little boys and six-month-old baby, I get out of my head. I pause and think about all the snuggle time, giggles, and small victories we share each day. I remember that I am their person when they are sick, scared, or upset. Then I tell myself, “I am a good mom because good moms keep trying to do better.”

Self-doubt can also appear at work or school. Maybe you disappoint your boss or get a bad grade. These moments are opportunities to change your thinking. Remind yourself of all the times you got it right. Reflect on how much you’ve learned and grown. Treat mistakes as opportunities for growth—teachable moments that help you improve.

Even tiny shifts in your thinking can build momentum.

Each positive phrase, each moment you choose hope over doubt, rewires your brain toward resilience.

Change doesn’t happen overnight, but every small step adds up. You are capable of growth, even in moments that feel hard or messy.

Step Three for Unlearning Helplessness

The final piece for unlearning helplessness is never giving up. Keep working to change how you see yourself or your situation until you reach your goals. Wake up each day and tell yourself, out loud, that you can do it. Small changes add up to big success over time.

How you do this is up to you. Write it on sticky notes, chant it on your morning jog, or sing it to yourself in the shower. The choice is yours. Whatever helps you get your intentions into the universe—and into your head—is fantastic!

Set your mind to it, stay consistent, and change will happen.

Every effort, no matter how small, is a step toward reclaiming your power.

You are capable, resilient, and deserving of growth.

Wrap Up Unlearning Helplessness

In conclusion, helplessness is mind over matter. Change your mind, and you can change your life. Don’t be chained to negative thoughts; notice them and consciously switch them around. Even if you’ve never been successful in the area you want to work on, you can start today.

Embrace your faults and mistakes. Learn from them so you can get stronger.

Therapy isn’t just for overcoming struggles—it’s also a space to grow, discover your strengths, and become the best version of yourself.

A licensed therapist can help you create realistic strategies, navigate challenges, and support your growth every step of the way.

For more ideas about positive thinking, check out Progress Not Perfection and Neurons that Fire Together, Wire Together. Contact me to learn more about scheduling a session and taking the next step toward a more empowered, resilient, and fully realized life.

Simply,

S.O’Berry