Loss of a Loved One…Good Grief

The loss of a loved one can shake even the strongest to their core. Ever wonder what could be so good about grief? Grief paints a picture of sadness, anger, shock, disbelief, or awkwardness, depending on who died and our connection to them. We have a vague idea of what it means to be supportive. When someone we care about loses someone they care about, what is our role in those situations? How can we make sure we give people the time and space they need to grieve? 

What is it?

First, we have to define grief. Second, of course, we need more information about what loss of a loved one looks like in real life. After we get the idea of grief and signs to pick up on, then we need to know what to do with it. When all these boxes are checked, we will dive into why encountering grief might be good…

Grief from the loss of a loved one is a complicated part of being human. We learn at an early age that all things must end. Leaves die when the seasons change, flowers die when we forget to water them, the latest betta after nine others who came before him…the list goes on. Death is a part of life, so why does modern American culture shy away from it? Why do people get uncomfortable talking about loss?

Modern Grieving

Death and dying have evolved across history. Discussions about death and dying are difficult; losing someone can change so much so quickly. Talking about death and grief goes as far back as Socrates. He was the first to mention death could be a transition. His ideas led to humanity seeing death as an unavoidable part of life. Seeing death in this light allows for the idea of an afterlife. Having somewhere to go after death fuels hope. This hope can help many people process the loss of a loved one.

It was normal for people to keep the bodies of their dead loved ones in their homes for weeks until the relatives from far away could make it on horseback. Those with Irish heritage would have wakes for their lost loved ones that included throwing a party and drinking with the body on the table. How did we go from death as normal to where we are now?

As we got more modern, people started to separate themselves from death. Of course we still have rituals and ceremonies, but we also have funeral homes and hospitals that help while putting space between us and the reality of what death means. When did the space grow so wide that it become socially unacceptable to talk about death?

Having the tough conversations about grief can help us and those we love to move through the pain and into peace. As psychology became more popular, patterns to how people grieve started coming up. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was the first one to focus on the minds of those going through the loss of a loved one. She claimed there are five stages. We also now know these stages can fluctuate.

Kubler-Ross’s 5 Stages of Grief

So what are these five stages and how could they change over time? The five stages coming up next are not hard and fast. Someone can be at number one then jump to number three or go from number four back to number two as life goes on after a loss. There is no rule saying we have to go through every single stage either.

Stage 1: Denial

When we hear that someone died, it can shock our system. Our world might not make sense without them in it. We might not even fully get that they’re gone. Mental blocks can keep us from believing the person they love is no longer on this planet. In the Netflix original Squid Game, the main character is with the old man when he dies and it takes a machine flatlining to convince him it really happened. When reality sinks in other feelings might take over.

Stage 2: Anger

Get mad or get even? Not in this case. How should someone express their anger at losing the ones they love? The wrong ways of expressing anger come up in movies and books all the time. I’ve been stuck on the Netflix original You lately, and Joe is an excellent example of anger getting the best of us. Trying to make things right by hurting people leaves him not thinking clearly and does way more harm than good. When we’re mad, we might get impulsive or start down the road of self-sabotage. Stay tuned for a post about what self-sabotage means soon.

Stage 3: Bargaining

Next, we may make a deal with a higher power for the loved one to come back to us. In the series American Gods, the main character, Shadow Moon, tries to do favors for the gods. He wants his wife back from the dead but ends up getting in way over his head. These deals may seem like the only answer when you’re trying to feel half-normal after a loss. But there are healthy ways to push through the pain and come out stronger.

Stage 4: Depression

Being sad that someone died is normal. You might cry, isolate yourself, have trouble sleeping, not feel like eating, or just want to eat all every pint of ice cream you can get your hands on. Everyone deals with being sad differently. You might even get irritable or angry. Being sad could last for a few days, a few weeks, a few months, or longer. There is no right or wrong amount of time. Red flags happen when the sadness leads to thinking about suicide, numbing the pain, or other unhealthy habits. Be sure to check in with yourself and others who have lost someone and get help if these signs come up.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Finally, your “new normal.” This stage is where we can pick up the pieces of our life and fit them together with a lot of duct tape and super glue until it makes sense again. The loss of a loved one leaves a hole that may never be filled. This is a hard fact to consider, but healing can’t happen if we don’t. Leaning on faith and support systems can help us get to the end of the long road of processing grief.

Some Good and Some Bad

So, now that we know the what and how, time to talk about grief being good. How could grief ever be a good thing? Well, when someone dies, surviving loved ones may grow closer as they try to trudge through the trenches of grief. Although there are five stages to grief, the way it happens looks different depending on your experiences, personality, age, culture, and so much more.

It can be hard to know what to say when someone is going through the loss of a loved one. You want to say the right thing to help while not causing any more pain than the void of that person being gone. This is where the awkwardness comes in. Life is awkward but it’s always easier to embrace into it. Some things that all grieving people need are support and care. A simple act of kindness, a moment just being together, or a hug can mean more than crafting the perfect thing to say.

Those that grieve together

Grief is a universal part of what it means to be human. If nothing else, this pandemic has shown us that we need more safe spaces to talk about grief and that the loss of a loved one can affect anyone no matter how much money they have or the color of their skin. Grief is the great equalizer. We have a prime opportunity to come together as a society in our grief and make real changes in how we live, work, and interact with others.

Good grief can only happen under certain circumstances. We must accept that they are gone and start remembering all the good times to truly heal. Embrace the peace of living life with the knowledge that these memories can never be taken away. People we love and care for leave a mark on us and will be with us even after they leave this world.

When it Comes to the Loss of a Loved One

A point that I am really trying to bring home is the uniqueness of grieving. Just as all snowflakes are different, so is dealing with the loss of a loved one. Coping with grief comes in whatever form works best for you. Self-care and social support are vital. For more ideas about healthy coping skills to help you keep moving forward, check out my posts Mindful Coloring and Stress Relief Video games: FROM NOOB TO PRO. These ideas may give you the inspiration you need or help you deal with the stress and feelings involved with grief.

I stumbled across an article recently on psychologytoday.com that mentions happiness is more of a journey than a destination, and with a growth mindset we can and should still work on self-improvement even when we feel better for the moment. For more info on what a growth mindset is check out my breakdown of this concept coming soon. I also touch on it in Stressed for Success or Just Stressed Out?

PSA: Short Public Service Announcement about Suicide

If you or a loved one has thoughts like this, please reach out to your local mental health community. I also include a few suicide hotlines on my contacts page. Also, there is a link on the bottom of my posts if you need help.

As a side note, I want to share a quote. I’m not sure where it came from, but this quote was on a beautiful picture drawn by a patient at the children’s psych hospital I used to work at. It really hits home for me:

Suicide is a long-term solution to a short-term problem.

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Please reach out for help if you feel any part of the dark thoughts that come with despair. The pain may feel endless right now, but there are ways to make that better. Talking to someone or getting prescribed the right medication can work wonders.

Wrap Up: Loss of a Loved one-Good Grief

I can’t stress enough how important it is to take care of yourself when you’re grieving. When I lost my grandparents, I was lost. I stayed holed up in my room for days without talking to anyone or eating. This was the worst thing to do for my own mental health. Especially when I had loving parents on the other side of that door wanting to comfort me and make it ok. 

Flash forward five years, and my 17-year-old cousin died of a surgical complication in his leukemia treatment after a life long battle starting at age two. When this storm hit, I was more grounded so I leaned into the supportive arms of my family. This time I kept moving forward and didn’t get to such a dark place.

Don’t get me wrong, loss is always hard, but how you cope and connect with your support system really matters. Never feel like a burden when you’re carrying sadness. That sadness can bring people closer together and your relationships can end up stronger than ever.

In this ever-changing, pandemic-focused world, we have to really try hard to make time. Take a mindful minute to just breathe. Go outside if the weather is nice and use your senses to notice nature. Drink some hot tea or try yoga. Make time to spend with friends and family just enjoying each other. You really never know when a loss is coming. You will be better equipped when the storm hits by taking these steps now.

We can really change the world by caring a little more about ourselves and those around us. Comment below with any questions about grief or ideas you might have for self-care and healthy coping.

Simply,

Soberry