Locus of Control: In your Control or not

What is in our control, and what’s out of our control? How do we let go of what we can’t control and be just fine with that? Worries and stress come from trying to control things we don’t have control over.

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Everyone has a locus of control. The trick is balancing it and accepting that it’s there. Your locus of control is a fancy way of saying how much you believe you have control over something. There are two parts: internal (inside) and external (outside).

In the following post, I will explain what the locus of control means. Then I will explain some ways to use it for mental health. Throughout, I will provide examples of how your belief in what you can change can affect you. So let’s get started.

Internal Locus of Control

Thoughts, Feelings, Impulses, Reasoning, and self-care

Internal locus of control is what you believe you have control over within yourself. Therefore, the question is, what can you choose to stop or start doing inside your head?

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Thoughts

The jury is still out on whether we can control our thoughts, and scholars remain split on this idea. We could go about our day as usual when a thought pops into our heads. Instead of dwelling on why it got there, we can deal with the idea in healthy ways. Dealing with them is in our control.

In the first place, controlling how we act on thoughts comes with age and maturity. If I asked my three-year-old, “what were you thinking?” He might answer, “I wanted it.” Wanting something is a common reason for making poor decisions. At three, he doesn’t have much self-control yet. But it’s my responsibility as a mom to help explain why he can’t take anything he sees and wants.

As adults, we may have thoughts come into our heads that tempt us to do something we know is wrong. But it is in our control whether we act on the idea impulsively. The trick comes with believing that we have this control.

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Impulses

Impulses are the knee-jerk reactions that come with not thinking things through. Being impulsive comes with consequences. Acting quickly and without thinking can work well in an emergency. But it can also get you in trouble to act impulsively when you need to think things through.

My eighteen-month-old is very impulsive. In his current phase, my eighteen-month-old does most things without considering how it will turn out. These reasoning skills are sinking in for my three-year-old, but the little one is not there yet. Lack of reasoning and acting on impulse is perfectly normal as a toddler and something that we, as his parents, have to teach him.

For example, he often gets so excited that he pulls his brother’s hair. Pulling hair gets him a timeout. Although it’s only a couple of minutes long, he is often distraught because the timeout is the opposite of what he wanted. Although he wanted to play or get his brother’s attention, the timeout (the consequence) did not meet that goal.

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Reasoning

In addition, we can deal with impulses through is reasoning. As we get older and more mature, responsibility and reason burden us while expectations increase. Logic can help us solve problems and means we don’t get to have whatever we want.

When adults act outside of these reasoning skills and on impulses instead, it can lead to many consequences. Even if someone was never really taught to do the right thing, laws give us boundaries.

So at the very least, we continue to stop ourselves from acting impulsively as a survival strategy. Avoiding consequences can be another excellent motivation for using our reasoning skills.

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Feelings

Sometimes feelings seem to show up, having no conscious control over how or when. Knowing that we don’t control our emotions means they are outside the internal locus of control. They happen to us without our say-so. We can control how we act based on feelings when they hit us.

Therefore, if my three-year-old is upset, everyone knows it. It’s loud and dramatic and usually involves lots of tears. Feelings are gigantic, and my three-year-old rarely understands why they happen.

I don’t even know why I feel sometimes, so how could I expect him to know this? Conversely, it is crucial to understand what made you feel that way and not know how to deal with the feelings.

Self-care and stress-relief become extremely important here. Stress reduction allows you to think more clearly without falling victim to impulses or letting feelings take control. One great way to deal with challenging thoughts and feelings is through mindfulness and grounding exercises.

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Self-care

Thoughts and feelings may be automatic, but that doesn’t mean you have a free pass to act on them. Through practice, you can learn to believe in your control over thoughts and feelings. Automatic thoughts might include negative self-talk or things that we say to ourselves that scar our self-esteem and confidence.

You may not have control over thinking this way, but it is inside your locus of control to stop these negative thoughts. Working on positive thinking every day is one great way to retrain your brain.

Seeing the glass half full and learning from mistakes instead of beating yourself up over them can go a long way. For more information about how changing your thoughts affects you, check out Neuroplasticity: Neurons that Wire Together Fire Together.

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External Locus of Control

The other side of the locus of control is our external locus of control. External includes what you believe you can affect in the world around you. What can you change in the world?

Actions, Attitudes, and Behaviors

Attitude

Brightening someone’s day is as simple as a smile when you walk by, or kind words said in passing. Having an optimistic outlook can affect everyone you meet positively. If you snap at your coworkers, you might affect them negatively.

We constantly hear that we need to set a good example. When we show others we are confident and believe in ourselves; we can lead by example. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that what we do matters and how much we can affect those around us.

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Actions

Actions like whether we decide to help when someone is in trouble reflect our experiences and personality. We can also control how much effort or thought we put into things. For example, you might take time to work on getting the perfect present and throwing a great party for your best friend.

Another example is whether we decide to help someone carrying an enormous package or to hold the door open for the person behind us. Small, kind actions can add up throughout our day, and being helpful and considerate can help us feel better about ourselves as well. The motivation behind actions is something to consider as well. Doing kind things for the sake of others is the best way to go.

Behaviors

Behavior goes along with actions. The significant difference is that behavior includes your attitude toward your activities. When you think of behavior, think about well-behaved and badly behaved children. Think about two kids who asked to throw away some trash by their teacher.

One child who has a calmer and more obedient attitude picks up their trash right away without question. The other child, who is more defiant and outspoken, argues with the teacher about why or makes excuses about how other students are closer or that the trash wasn’t theirs.

One issue that might come up when trying to strengthen your belief in control is the extent of control others have. We are all responsible for ourselves but can’t control other people. When there is an imbalance between what you can manage and what you can’t, we react through stress.

Wrap Up

There are many moving parts to what we can control and what we can’t. If we practice patience and self-care, we can reduce the stress and worry that comes with what is out of our control. It’s helpful to use mindfulness and breathing exercises to manage feelings and thoughts. By better managing these, we can attempt to be kinder to ourselves and others. This kindness can catch like a wildfire and create an inferno of positivity in our world.

We can improve internal and external locus of control through hard work and practice. We have to put in the effort to change our beliefs for the better and to convince ourselves that we have power in our lives.

For more information on stress-relief and being kind to yourself, check out my other posts.

Simply,

Soberry