Active Listening: Get Engaged With Others

Tuning out the noise in our heads and switching gears to fully pay attention to what someone’s saying might take some work. We all drift off in conversations, but what can you do today to become a better listener? Some people are naturally great listeners. Others might have to work on these skills every single day to get it right. Active listening might be what you need to up your friend game.

All the pieces to Active Listening

First, the history of active listening, starting with Carl Rogers that setting the wheels in motion. His work on how to talk with people caused a shift in how the roles in a therapeutic relationship were defined. He focused on clients as the experts in their lives. Rodgers gave the power back to the client. Before the therapist was “the expert.”

Second, why is active listening so important? How could Active Listening make you a better friend? Lasting Relationships need strong communication. Active Listening might be the last piece you’ve been missing to build the bridge from acquaintances to best buds.

Finally, how do you practice active listening? What steps can you take today to get better at the receiving end of the conversation? There’s tons of information out there on Active Listening skills. The goal is to narrow these down and make it easier to become second nature for you. Check out this worksheet on TherapistAid.com too!

Well, that’s the breakdown, so let’s jump in.

History of Active Listening

Carl Rogers first studied listening skills in healthy relationships. During his studies, reflective listening was born. All listening is not created equal. You might be half-listening, hearing what you want to hear, or letting it go in one ear and out the other. In this sea of listening, what does reflective listening have to to with active listening? Well, the journey to active started with reflective.

Reflecting is just what it sounds like: you’re the mirror. So, you hear what’s said, change it a little, and say it back. This is the classic therapist you see in popular movies and shows. Reflecting is important, but should not be the only way we listen. Dr. Linda in the Netflix original Lucifer definitely used this skill. I often use this skill as a part of my own work with clients. It’s good, but there are many other ways to be the best listener.

Rogerian Model

Back to Carl Rogers. His model of therapy is based on empathy. Empathy can be a little confusing. It sounds a lot like sympathy. There’s a big difference here. Sympathy means feeling sorry for someone else but not being able to put yourself in their shoes. Empathy is connecting with the other person by joining them in their struggle.

Empathy is a cornerstone to healthy relationships. Rogers’s theory looks at the relationship between the therapist and client to model what a healthy relationship is so the skills learned can trickled down to other relationships in the individual’s life. A strong therapeutic relationship can make or break future progress. Make sure you feel comfortable talking with your therapist because the trust and openness you feel with them determines if therapy works.

Why the Relationship Matters

In my masters program we had to go to therapy sessions as an assignment for a class to give us firsthand experience on the other side of the desk. This was a great idea, but it made me see the importance of your gut instinct with a therapist. Even from the first session, I didn’t feel comfortable. The therapist seemed like he wasn’t even listening to what I had to say.

He came across as too busy to focus on what I was telling him and I felt very rushed. His body language was even cold and distant. Who knows what other responsibilities were on his plate but if you’re in this profession, connection is key. I did what I had to for the assignment and never went back because of this interaction.

If you ever experienced a not so happy or warm therapist in your life, know that my heart goes out to you. Having a support system that checks you when you are getting burned out can prevent my experience from happening to anyone else. We all have a lot going on, but that’s no excuse for not making the space for others to tell their story.

Planting the Seeds for Active Listening

In that dimly lit office with the therapist not seeming to care, I felt what I’m sure most have felt at some point in their lives: insignificant. These feelings are hard to come back from. It’s not impossible, just challenging. The seeds of a healthy relationship cannot blossom if you don’t focus on the other person. This goes beyond empathy to humility.

Making amends, apologizing, saying “I’m sorry” or “My bad,” can go a long way in putting the pieces back together when a relationship gets fractured. After admitting your mistake comes trying harder to empathize and empathy brings us back to listening skills.

So, reflecting is a great start, but does it really show that you’re all in? Can relationships really be built on parroting?

Beyond Reflecting

Active listening goes beyond just rewording or repeating what somebody says. Staying in the moment and not getting wrapped up in our thoughts matters. Rome wasn’t built in a day so if you struggle with paying attention don’t beat yourself up too much.

Learning how to be in the here and now with conversations helps you connect with others. The “here and now” might sound intense…I know I was thrown off the first time I heard it, but it’s not so bad. It means being here, with the person, now ,in the present moment. Basically, you’re all in and fully focused.

Giving your full attention is hard. Life is full of distractions. There’s always something to reorganize, laundry to get done, or a friend’s birthday to remember. Our busy and tech-filled world can easily get the best of us. It seems like we’re all multi-tasking 24/7. So, the value of putting our whole attention into a conversation can mean the world to the people in our lives.

Example Break

Think about the following scenario. A mom is talking to her teenager about their day at school. The teenager responds by describing their great day. They mention a good grade on an assignment, the friends who sat with them at lunch, and the plans for the upcoming weekend.

Mom is driving and thinking about her long To Do list during the conversation. After a while, the teenager asks a question, but mom doesn’t respond, lost in thought. Rightfully, the teenager feels anger, frustration, and hurt.

By actively listening, the mom could have avoided the latest in a long line of talks turning radioactive. Focusing 100% on what someone says makes them feel understood and important. If you have too many other things going on right at the moment, maybe try mentioning that when the conversation is first starting and schedule a time later on for you to really talk.

How to Become an Active Listener

The goal of listening is understanding. When a teacher says “Listen up, class” students generally understand this is their cue to pay attention to something important. We don’t listen just to make them happy or meet the expectations of your role in the relationship. A healthy relationship can’t be one-sided. It takes two to tango.

When a professor is droning on during a class, you want to listen so you ace the final, but staying focused is really hard or it just doesn’t matter to you while your sleep-deprived from a late night the night before. Make sure you aren’t channeling your inner college kid when communicating with those you care about because even if you’ve heard the story a million times, chances are you can ask new questions about it to show you care.

Ups and downs

My husband loves Medieval Literature and wrote his thesis on Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales. After he worked on this long and grueling paper for months, I had heard the connection between the elderly in the tales and how they are seeking spiritual peace at least a thousand times.

I snapped at him after a particularly stressful day when he asked me to proofread the darn thing again for him, but later on we sat down and I really listened to the amazing connections he was making between the characters. Now I know way more than I ever thought I would about all things Chaucer. Catalog that to the trivia section of my brain for later. In this conversation, we grew closer because I listened and asked questions and encouraged new ways of looking at his research.

Friends who take the time to listen and provide their own insights into the conversation are people I want to spend time with as often as possible. Think about people who are good listeners in your own life and how this affects your relationship.

Minimize Distractions

When you pay attention and ask questions about what the other person is talking about, it shows genuine interest. Over time, this can become second nature. Restate what they are sometimes saying by using phrases like “Let me make sure I understand…” then paraphrase what they said.

Making sure that you mute any distractions is also essential. This goes back to the rule of no phones at the dinner table. When we’re consumed by our devices, the outside world has to fight to get noticed. Putting down the devices can really improve your listening skills. When I’m talking to someone, and they are glued to their device, I feel unheard. Active listening skills are a great way to show that you care.

Body Language

Face the person and use eye contact. Leaning in, nodding with encouragement, culturally appropriate eye contact, and no crossed arms or legs if you can help it. In certain Eastern cultures it’s considered impolite to keep steady eye contact with someone.

So if you aren’t sure what someone’s preference or custom is, ask politely what makes them most comfortable. You can’t know what you don’t know. Active listening is about helping the other person feel comfortable and acknowledged through strategies that anyone can master.

Wrap Up: Active Listening

Of course there are steps to take to become a better listener. Being good at listening means you’re good at communicating. Communication skills improve relationships. By actively listening, you let them know how much they mean to you. Healthy relationships are about give and take. By giving the other person attention, you set the stage for the future.

Just to recap:

1. Reflective Listening restating what you hear.
2. Listening shows other people you care, and they matter.
3. Active Listening means taking the extra steps to show you are in the moment .
4. Use questions, body language, and stay in the present moment during a conversation.
5. Practice makes perfect. Keep practicing and you’ll be a master listener in no time.

For more information about how to build better relationships, check out my post Healthy Relationships: The Course of Love Never Did Run Smooth.

Simply,

Soberry